I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
also, made a drinking game out of my birthday photos....drink everytime alcohol is in a photo. going through all 350 of them.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
