I enjoy that i have a whole shelf of clothes that I've accumulated from random sex. You know the ones you get to make the morning after look less awkward like similar to an athletes trophy shelf
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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