I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
