dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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