I am spending my child support on dildos
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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