I bet he comes in French.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
