If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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