Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
