we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
