I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
he was CRYING into my vagina
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
