I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Randomize
