If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
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