There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
Randomize
