Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
she's in the bathroom. spitting in the trashcan. not throwing up. just spitting and singing bad romance by lady gaga.
thatta girl
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
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