Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
