My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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