fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
