Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
