she is the kim kardashian of front butts
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
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