Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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