1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
It's my birthday, I plan on masturbating and boating, maybe even masturbate on the boat.
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
