Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I'm just looking at Lindsay Lohan's vagina.
Oh yea! I was just doing that too!
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
