U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
