went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
