it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
