What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
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