Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Boobs speak an international language.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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