you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
