just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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