I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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