This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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