Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
WHO ARE THESE GUYS WHY AN ORGRY ON A MONDAY LMAO
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
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