I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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