My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
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