I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
