forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
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