Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
im about as happy as oj after his trial
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Best friends brother. Beat that.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Randomize
