thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
