I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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