and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Nothing good has ever or will ever come from 50 cent beers at the bowling alley..
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
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Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
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My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
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