I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Randomize
