he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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