in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize