at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Randomize
