Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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