dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Randomize
