I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
