so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
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