Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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