Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Randomize
