i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
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