I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
It was so small.
Tiny. Got to love sexting. Imagine finding out the old fashioned way.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
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