Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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