I wish I could punch you in the face.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
