Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
its not stalking. its research.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
