You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
