so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
