New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Randomize
