"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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