His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
