i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
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