I just pynch a tree in the face
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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