Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
