Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Randomize
